My New Year's Post

2010 in Review:

Well, I think I made some big strides this year. In my maturity and in my health. I sought help for some health problems and I'm now getting the proper treatment and medications. I'm feeling a thousand percent better. That was a big first step in the right direction. I also started exercising more and eating less and as a result I dropped 25 lbs. I now go to exercise class once a week and practice yoga daily. It's made a big difference, strengthening me physically, mentally, and spiritually. I've had some setbacks in family relations, but I know the love is still there and time will smooth out the bumps.

2011 Goals:

- Become closer to my family
(both mother and father's side)

- Lose 50 more lbs.
(that would put me at a pretty healthy weight for my height and frame)

- Run 5k
(Right now I can't even run to the mailbox but I might be joining a running group that develops you from walking to running 5k)

- Get my passport and visit Canada
(I've lived very close to Canada all my life, here and in Seattle, but I've never been there! I'm planning a trip this summer.)

Well it will be an ambitious year for me. If I can accomplish even half of those goals I will have accomplished a lot. What are your goals for the new year??

December!

I'm not a religious person but this is possibly my favorite month (weather aside). It's the month of holiday music, Baker's Square Candy Cane Pie, hot cocoa, Christmas movies, gifts, delicious feasts, holiday baking, holiday cheer, good will, peace on earth, etc, etc. Here's a little holiday music to make you smile. Enjoy!

<< music removed >>

Illuminations

Okay, I broke down and bought Josh Groban's new album called Illuminations as an early Christmas gift for myself. I've been listening to it over and over and I don't know how illuminating it is but I know this, those melodies combined with Josh's voice culminates in hauntingly, achingly beautiful music. I would expect nothing less, that's what he's known for. So there's my plug for his new album - go buy it. You're welcome, Josh. Ha, look at me acting as if anyone, let alone Josh Groban, actually reads this blog. Besides, I'm sure he does pretty alright without any help from me. 

My Prayer

I pray you ease the pain of people in despair

I pray you bring the rains to the dry desert air

I pray you give shelter to the homeless in the streets

I pray you bring food to those who don't eat

I pray you bring warmth to those who are cold

I pray you spread joy to the young and the old

I pray you bring peace and love to this world

And to you, choruses of earthly praises unfurl

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

I Travel On

frosty though the roads
and cold the winter snows

I travel on

through dark and icy nights
and blizzard walls of white

I travel on

and during the day
when the sky is solid gray

I travel on

let nothing slow my momentum

let nothing quell my song

I travel on,

I travel on ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Friberg

Victory Sweet

what started out so sweet

ended in clear defeat

but I didn’t know it was a game

you kept your cards so close to the vest

the king of hearts tattooed on your chest

you wear it without shame

by the time you had your victory sweet

I was a pool of tears at your feet

no mercy, no remorse

now you’ve had a change of heart

I swear, this is the best part

for what’s taken one must pay

now kneel down at the well

of all my tears that fell

and don’t forget to pray ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Getting Ready!

I changed the look of the blog as I'm gearing up for the holidays. Coming soon... holiday music!

P.S. I watched the movie The Bishop's Wife (1947) with Loretta Young and Cary Grant this weekend for the first time. Great holiday movie!

My Secret

you’re a secret I’d like to keep

I turn it all inward

hide away my feelings deep

you’re like a soft place to fall

I land in your calm

quiet my head when I don’t know it all

you’re like a blanket for my soul

I cuddle in thoughts of you

keeps my heart warm in the cold

no one else knows this but me

because you’re a secret I’d like to keep ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Friberg

Finished!

I haven't posted in a few days because I've been busy finishing up my manuscript. That's right, the children's book is finally finished. It's only 66 pages but I figure that should be enough because I'm completely dry when it comes to ideas and inspiration. It better be good enough. I've contacted some literary agents and we'll see what happens. Cross your fingers for me!

Quicksand

maybe I didn't always do you right
and maybe you were ready for a fight
whenever you came home
just shut up and give me a kiss
because the truth is just this

we're waltzing on quicksand
each step takes us further down
one more step and we might drown
baby hold on tight

maybe you've told a thousand lies
and baby I've tried a thousand tries
to get you to love me right
but you can't get water from a stone
and if it must be known

we're waltzing on quicksand
each step takes us further down
one more step and we might drown
baby hold on tight
just hold on tight

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

I know I swore off poems that rhyme, but technically this is a song. So there.

Hallelujah, a poem that doesn't rhyme!

That's it! I've had it with all the rhyming!! I'm putting my foot down, no more rhyming or meter patterns from here on out. I used to write this way and I will once again if it kills me.

One Man Show

I don't know where we left off
were you spouting your ignorance again
as if it were as essential to me as water?
or was I crying softly into a kleenex?
please let me know where to begin
and I'll take my place on stage
oh, this is where your monologue takes place
the lengthy one with no purpose
I'll be sure to keep my eyes propped open
just remember when you are finished
exit stage left
no encores, no callbacks
this is your only chance

break a leg ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Yearning

the night passes by so slowly

and I wonder if you know me

I wonder if you care

I walk past your window in the park

as my soul wanders in the dark

seeking your light

I turn at the corner store

where we’ve met once before

if only I could go back…

I’d say it all differently

and I’d look in your eyes

and see with no surprise

my love reflected back at me ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Friberg

Bitter

disappointment looms

on the darker side of life

where it seems that we are groomed

to accept the struggle and strife

bear it with your head held high

speak not of it at length

and your soul will slowly die

sapping all your strength

yes, it is your job to bear it

whatever comes your way

but you are never to share it

if you wish to keep your pay ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Love Quietly

quiet, quiet, peace and quiet

ringing in my ears

then the clock strikes eleven

and your voice is all I hear

Shhh, hush now

find a task

there’s no more questions for you to ask

Shh, hush now

all is well

there’s no more stories for you to tell

quiet, quiet, peace and quiet

ringing in my ears

this is how I want it

throughout the coming years

concern extended silently

and love expressed quietly ~ 

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

The Warmth of You

I could sit cozy in front of a fireplace

feel the heat from the fire on my face

I could wrap myself in a blanket tight

with a heater next to my bed at night

but I’m afraid it will only do  

to feel the warmth of you ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Friberg

Bad Day

I had a bad day today. Nothing bad happened to me, but I had a bad day all the same. I suppose we all feel out of sorts at times. I find soothing, relaxing classical music to be such a comfort on my bad days. I turn it on and lie down and usually end up falling asleep and taking a nice, deep nap. I've also come to learn that the music of Josh Groban is like a band-aid for the soul. His new album Illuminations came out yesterday and I am dying to get it but I don't have the extra money right now. Maybe I'll buy it for myself for Christmas. We should all buy ourselves something nice now and then, we deserve it! Wouldn't it be nice if we could buy health or peace of mind? Well, buying soothing music is as close as I come to buying peace of mind. Here's some beautiful music from another great artist, violinist Joshua Bell. You're welcome.

Weeping

the moon is hung high tonight

so why am I weeping?

the stars flush the sky tonight

so why am I weeping?

everything in this universe is in its place

but for one

I haven’t met the man who lights my face

he will come

and the moon will still be as sweet

the stars will still be a fleet

but with him by my side

I won’t cry,

I won’t weep ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Side Effects

Writing a children's book of rhymes has had a negative effect on my normal poetry writing. I used to write "free verse" but now I can't write without paying attention to rhyme and meter. Cursed children's rhymes!! So I've put down and stepped away from the book for a while, but still the side effects linger. I miss free verse. Please come back! Let me try one real quick:

what once the sun has shown upon
is now a wretched being recoiling from the light
withered and rusted by time
it sits and waits
sits and waits
for what it doesn't know
for time, for death, for some escape
for reconciliation with the past perhaps
for the devil to pay his call
so it may pay its dues ~

Okay, I don't know what the hell that was about, it wasn't even a poem but I don't care - it didn't rhyme, thank God in heaven!

100th Post!

This blog has come a long way! I do believe that just about every poem I have ever written can be found somewhere in this blog. There's not enough good ones for a book yet, but one day I would like to publish a book of my poetry. Now, to celebrate what I believe is the 100th post, I'll write another poem:

Daisy

what delicate petals

like precious metals

what dainty leaves

like silken sleeves

what soft stem

the better to bend

and never give birth

 its roots in the earth ~

Ta-da! I try to write a poem every day but sometimes I'm just not in the writing mood.

Love Angels

when hearts disconnect in subtle ways

when eyes list and minds stray

when brows furrow and tongues tie

when souls weep and love dies

that’s when angels draw very near

you’ll hear one whisper at your ear

"Fear not. This love, its time has come.

The future will bring a better one."

then the angel will embrace

and soft feathers brush your face

so whenever you feel the goosebumps cling

remember its just an angel's wing ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Haiku

Another random Google image.

of a pleasant view

dream without hesitation

be there in your mind ~

The Horse

let go of regret
let go of remorse
take your worries
strap them to a horse
let it not wallow
let it not fret
let it merely ride
into the sunset
yaw! giddyup old friend
tomorrow I've more to send ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Inspirational Quote

The essence of faith is to believe possibilities exist. 

- unknown

I Was Here

of the inconsequential and unsubstantial

you’ll count me not

I ran, I laughed, I slept, I cried

I loved, I yelled, I lived, I died

I mattered

so forget me not

put aside your sadness and fear

and simply know that I was here ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Haiku

Another random Google image.

 
deep meditation
the mind, the body, the earth

now becoming one ~

Walking Proud

rising independently

one strong step follows another

striding coolly towards the uncertain

unafraid and unashamed

take a card but leave your name

whatever path you may embark

be sure to always leave your mark ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Winter Haiku #3

winter's great divide

now leaves me cold and alone

stumbling in the snow ~

Yoga Girl

I found this cute pic on Google. I've been practicing yoga almost daily for the last week. I really find it relaxing, healthy for body, mind, and spirit. It's not as scary and intimidating as it used to be for me. Now that I know what I'm doing, I modify the poses to suit my own body. It's great for all ages, sizes, and fitness levels.

The River

notes falling softly

settling into a languid peace

a rolling brook of melody

carries the mind away

into a world of smooth tones and cadence

breathing melts into the gentle rhythm

and the heart quiets in the chest

so you can only feel

its mild beating at your core

as the music slowly sweeps you away

and gradually sets you adrift

on a river of inner peace

causing you to forget

your whilom life

embrace this calm for now

and never forget it ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

 

This is the short version of the song so press play and set it to repeat. Then close your eyes and take two deep breaths. Listen to your breathing in and out, and listen to the soothing melody. I find this song great for relaxing and meditating. It's from the Twilight score soundtrack.

To Be With You

if you get sick,
I’ll feed you soup and hold your hand

if you should fall,

I’ll pick you up and help you stand

if you get lost,

just turn around and I’ll be there

if you’re upset,

I’ll sooth your worries and stroke your hair

if you feel alone,

I’ll hold you near and give you a kiss

if you feel down,

I’ll write you a poem just like this

there isn’t much I wouldn’t do

if I had the chance to be with you ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Love's Dowry

I promise summer’s weather all year ‘round

and wherever you should walk, petals on the ground

and if you will promise to stay by my side

a unicorn of white for you to ride

I promise all the firmament presented at your feet

an angel from heaven to sing you to sleep

and if you promise never to leave

a little one tugging at your sleeve

this I would promise for love’s dowry ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Sublime

there's something you must know
my love for you, it isn't show
If your love falters, I'll put it right
I know what gets you through the night
If my love wavers, I'll right by force
above all, I want to stay the course
I don't wish to rock or misalign 
The precarious tenets of love sublime ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Teetering

don't be careless with my heart
don't tear, don't break, don't fall apart
just stay strong and hold on tight
we'll get there by daylight
don't throw away what used to be
don't give up on you and me

don't be careless with my heart
I won't tear, or break, or fall apart
I'll just stay here and love you right
and we'll get there by daylight
I won't take your ring or leave my key
and I won't give up on you and me ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Stars

sparkling like diamonds
in the crisp, clear autumn sky
shimmering beacons
of random pattern and size
companions of the moon
glowing in the pitch of night
lighting her path
from dusk 'til morning's light ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Winter Haiku #2

Again, just picked a random photo off Google.

winter paints the earth

with blues, greens, and frosty white

better than Monet

Today I'd like to write a poem

It need not be long
or filled with cheery song

I wouldn't like it to be terse
nor sappy with romantic verse

It need not be an epic tome
so I'll write about a simple poem ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Inspirational Quote

"Success is not to be pursued;
it is to be attracted by
the person we become."
- Jim Rohn

Winter Haiku

Again, I just grabbed this photo off of Google Images.

winter put to waste

what's now a barren landscape

aching for the sun

Peace

Of the lazy, quiet stream and mighty, raging river, I choose to be the stream.

 

But either way the water is taking the path of least resistance. 

We need to listen more closely to nature. 

To take the path of least resistance is sometimes exactly what we need.

Above all else, I seek peace.

Peace of mind and peace of life.

Your Eyes

your eyes are
glistening with fevered emotion

your eyes are

listening with love and devotion

your eyes are

the color of the Caribbean Sea

your eyes are

the wilderness of a canyon deep

your eyes are
moonlight and ocean tides

your eyes are

sunshine and butterflies

your eyes are

the fluid beauty of string quartets
your eyes are
the soothing sound of clarinets

and just in case I missed anything,

everything beautiful and wondrous in this world ~

 Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

My Writing Process

It's so strange how poems form for me sometimes. Tonight I was thinking "I'm bored, I'm going to write a poem." So I sat down and wrote the first words that came to me "In breath" and from there the poem just sorta happened. I didn't mean to rhyme the 2nd and 4th lines but I did, so I just went with it. Strange how poems come together out of thin air sometimes.

Love Spoken Softly

in breath held softly

in gentle kisses

of yesterday’s bouquets

and tomorrow’s wishes

in the stillness of time

in the blissful moments

of love spoken softly

and love’s components

in wistful touches

in trepid glances

of beautiful affairs

and brief romances ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Honey

If I held the reins

Would you crack the whip?

If I brewed the coffee

would you take a sip?

let your love slide down me

like honey down a honey tree

let your love surround me

like Buddhists try to be

peaceful and free

If I held the world

Would you take a spin?

If I swam the channel

Would you jump in?

let your love slide down me

like honey down a honey tree

let your love surround me

like Buddhists try to be

peaceful and free ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

I wrote this song tonight. It's not very good. The melody is better than the lyrics. I've been following the moon phases and there's no moon tonight. Creepy. I don't know why but I just feel better with that giant beacon in the sky.

Autumn

I know my winds could be gentler

My skies could be clearer

My melody sweeter

It’s true, my grass could be greener

My sun could be warmer

My breezes more fragrant

I’ll never compare with

Spring’s excitement,

Summer’s joys,

or Winter’s fun

I guess I’ll just have to be me,

incomparably

the best darned season I can be!

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

Another poem for the book. It's still coming along nicely. If it were to be printed today it would be about 50 pages long, but I'm trying to get to 200. It seems a long way off.

Old Friends

I visited some old friends by re-watching two of my all-time favorite movies this weekend - Pride and Prejudice (2005) Sigh, how romantic! I practically have the dialogue memorized by now. The other movie was On The Waterfront (1954) - what a terrific movie and wonderful acting, it stands the test of time. One recent addition to my list of favorite movies is RocknRolla (2008) I'm not generally a fan of Guy Ritchie's films but it was cleverly written, quite funny, with great performances. It's not at the top of fave list, but it's on there near the bottom anyway. I heard rumor of a sequel, that would be awesome!
Luckily I own most of my favorite movies but there are a few I've yet to add to my collection. East of Eden and Fugitive Kind are a couple I haven't bought yet. Maybe Santa will bring them this year, who knows?!

Speaking of Santa and favorite movies, many of my favorites are Christmas movies. I can't wait for the Christmas season to officially arrive so I can watch movies like Elf, White Christmas, Bad Santa, Holiday Inn, and Surviving Christmas. No, I'm not a big fan of It's a Wonderful Life for some reason. I'm also looking forward to the holiday music. I'm a huge fan of holiday music! I currently have 834 Christmas songs on my iTunes/iPod. Yay! It's a fun time of year, even if it is a little sad and stressful at times.

Light Bulb!!

I just got an idea! I want to write a book of poems for children. My new Owl poem would fit perfectly. I've been struggling to write two novels for adults for a year, but I'd be much better at writing for children. I wrote a book for children in high school and it was quite good. So it's settled, I'm focusing my writing on children. How fun!

10/28/10 Update: The book is coming along nicely. I've written 11 pages so far (1 poem per page). I've tentatively titled it

The Animal Parade:

A Book of Poems & Rhymes for Children

By Angela Schofield

I'm dedicating it to my nephew, Gavin. Who knows if it will ever get published?! But it's a lot of fun. I'll keep posting updates on here. We'll see what happens.

10/30/10 Update: 26 pages and counting. This is fun!

Haiku of the Day

 Again, just using photos I found on Google Images. I'm running out of creativity and inspiration, but I keep writing because it's fun. I enjoy creating with words.

If I took this path

not knowing where it might lead

would you come with me? ~

Lush little garden
rich in autumnal beauty

a foot bridge to peace ~

An Ideal Intimacy

The good news is, I'm finally writing new poems of my own. The bad news is, it's possible I've been reading too many trashy romance novels lately. So, I don't know who reads this blog, but if you're my mom, or dad, or some other relative... you should probably look away. It's a little on the passionate side. I wrote this imagining a moment that will never happen with someone I know. Sometimes it's those moments that are out of our reach that are the most vivid and exciting in our imagination.

An Ideal Intimacy

you’re so easy to be with

so here I am

warm and intimate with you

our eyes locked in understanding and longing

your face inches from mine

I feel your warm breath on my lips now

The scent reminds me of saltwater taffy

slowly, softly our lips touch for the first time

your strong hand caresses my cheek

as your kiss deepens

warming me within

lips pressed in gentle love

breathing into each other

melting into each other

this is where I belong

warm and intimate with you ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

The Owl

A silly poem really, it just came to me.

The owl said Here, come be me

But me you will never be

I shun the sun

For I need it not to see

I fly swiftly and soundless

Among the majestic trees

Along the rocky shores

Across the dark prairies

I’ve been places you will never be

Seen things you will never see

I, the owl

Wise

Effortlessly floating through the sky

Come, and try to be me

But I'm afraid,

me you will never be ~

Copyright ©2010 Angela Friberg

Haiku of the Day

A fun little exercise, I like to find a photo online and write a Haiku about it.
(Reminder: Haiku consists of 3 lines, the syllables being 5-7-5)

skirting the wonders

a river of asphalt flows

cutting through the wild

Copyright ©2010 Angela Schofield

My Poetry Aesthetic

My poetry aesthetic is simple, neat, and pretty. I'm not fond of long, complicated, or strange poems. I appreciate a few like that, but for the most part I like the mainstream, easy to read, easy to understand poetry that's meaningful but wrapped in a neat, pretty package. "Hallmark poetry" some people call it, because it could just as well be on a greeting card. What's wrong with that? I wouldn't mind writing greeting cards. I think I'd be rather good at it. And that doesn't mean I'm not a true poet. Some of the most beautiful, stirring things I've ever read have been on greeting cards. Abstraction in poetry is okay to an extent, but if you need a masters degree to grasp it, forget it. I'm not a snobby poetry elitist and I'm not ashamed to enjoy pop poetry that appeals to the masses. Poetry should be for everyone to read, write, and enjoy. 

Everyone wants to see the baby

My nephew Gavin Scott was born September 14th and it seems everyone is dying to see the baby, including me of course. This is my sister's first born, my mother's first grandchild, and of course my first nephew! Mom got to babysit him for a couple hours Friday night and she called me over to "play house" with the baby. It was fun. Today my sister and her husband stopped by so Grandma could see the baby too. It's amazing how much joy a baby can bring to people's lives.

(Above) Amy, Gavin, and his Great-Grandma Bernie

This photo was taken on our previous visit a few weeks ago. It was taken using their camera because mine is lost (gasp!). I know. It's tragic. It'll turn up sooner or later.

Poetry Mash-up

That's right, when I can't come up with anything original I steal from others. The following is a "mash-up" sorta like they do on the TV show Glee except using two poems that have something in common. (I will try not to badly skewer two classic poems.) Today the theme is l-o-v-e and I've chosen "If You Forget Me" by Pablo Neruda and "Wondrous Moment" by Alexander Pushkin. Flexing my writing muscles and typing fingers. Here goes nothing...

I want you to know
one thing.

if I look at the crystal moon

that passes through my life
The fire, and tears, and love alive

everything carries me to you

In ecstasy the heart is beating

The wondrous moment of our meeting . . .

everything carries me to you

Oh well, I did the best I could and it was fun. Just so you get something out of this and so it hasn't been a complete waste of your time, you should Google the original poems, they're quite good.

And now you know how I spend my Saturday nights. But hey, if it makes you feel a little better about your own life then I'm glad I could help :)

Letting Go

Sigh. Some people are so very hard to let go of. No matter how many days, weeks, months, or years pass by after the relationship ends, they still creep into your consciousness and cause serious glitches in your mental and emotional well-being from time to time. I can't be the only one out there who's haunted by a past love. I don't necessarily mean "the one that got away", in my case I know full well I wasn't meant to be with this person. We tried many many times and it just didn't work. Instead of lifting each other up, we tore each other down and became the worst possible version of ourselves. It was a relationship that had to end permanently, once and for all, there's no question about it. And after 11 or so years of playing the "off again, on again" game it finally did. But I still miss him terribly sometimes and I immediately compare every new guy I meet to him. The worst part is that he didn't have any trouble moving on. He even has a child now. Of course my first thought was "I was supposed to have your child!" but my second thought was that I was happy for him. And I truly am happy for him. He always wanted kids, far more than I ever did, and he finally got his wish. Congratulations. Now if you just have any advice on how I can move on too it would be much appreciated.

Yours Truly,
Hopelessly Stuck

A Pleasant Evening for a Stroll

I haven't been feeling very "bloggy" lately, but I just got back from a nice evening stroll and feel inspired to write a little. It's a very still night, not even a light breeze, which makes the chilly 41 degree temperature very tolerable. The full moon in the clear sky is just lovely. The older I get the more I appreciate the quieter moments like these, and the more I appreciate nature too. When I was younger I stayed indoors A LOT. Well, frankly I still do. I make a cozy little nest for myself in my house and I feel safe and comfortable there. But now, I like to take frequent breaks and just get outside. When I was younger I paid little attention to the world around me. I was in my own little world, caught up in my own issues, viewing everything through an "Angie" lens. A narrow lens indeed. I never noticed the simple beauty of a sunrise. Hell, as much as I slept in I doubt I ever saw one. And even though I was raised kinda in the country, on acres of wooded land surrounded by corn fields, I never noticed the flora or fauna. I saw a few colorful sunsets, but never fully appreciated them. And I certainly never noticed how gorgeous the stars are out in the country on a clear fall evening when you can see them stretching right down to the horizon in all directions. Or the way a full moon illuminates the countryside so brightly you can go for a walk without a flashlight. Or the way it rises and arcs through the night sky like it's counterpart during the day. These are things I am just beginning to notice and enjoy. I suppose it's never too late.  

Sometimes the ends justify the mean

Another priceless dialogue exchange from The Office.

Dwight:  There's still one thing we could do to get Toby fired.
Michael: What's that?
Dwight:  Frame him for using drugs.
Michael: Frame him?
Dwight:  Yeah, it's illegal but everything they do on The Shield is illegal. 
Michael: I've never framed a man before, have you?
Dwight: Oh, I've framed animals before. I've framed a raccoon for opening a Christmas present and I framed a bear for eating out of the garbage.
Michael: (sigh) It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean.


Yes, I'm still in my comedy-watching phase and incapable of posting anything else at the moment.

Tip of the Day

Hate taking pills? Me too! I take several each day, including a bulky multi-vitamin, and I find swallowing them to be a very unpleasant experience. Then I discovered a neat trick - take them with 2% milk. The thick, smooth milk camouflages the size, texture, and taste of the pills. It also coats your esophagus and stomach making them go down smoothly and preventing indigestion. And I love milk, so now I actually look forward to taking my pills with a glass of tasty milk every day. I highly recommend it!

Sorry I don't have anything more interesting to say. I'm completely out of my writing phase and into my movie and TV watching phase. My favorites at the moment are Marlon Brando movies (of course!) Glee, The Office, and How I Met Your Mother. I own the first season of Glee and the first 4 seasons of The Office and HIMYM - I watch them over and over. Anything that makes me laugh is great therapy in my opinion. I'm also enjoying the cooler weather and taking walks as often as possible. I'm still following the Twins and now the Vikes too. I think the Twins stood a good chance of having the best record on the season and home field advantage in the playoffs, but we just have too many key players out with injuries. Now all we can do is hope and pray for their healthy recoveries to come in time for the playoffs. Their replacements have been doing an excellent job, but we really need them back. That's about all I have to say, like I said, sorry it isn't more interesting. Hopefully I'll be back in my writing phase again soon. Bye for now.

A little funny

Sometimes a little laughter goes a long way. I recently finished re-watching Season 4 of The Office (as you can see I've moved from my writing phase into my DVD watching phase).

Angela is talking to the camera in the interview room:

"We have 4 birthdays in the office this month and you know why? Count back nine months. That's right, Valentine's Day. Stagger your sin people!"

That's just SO Angela, I love it. That show is always a bunch of laughs but for some reason that line just hit my funny bone and had me in tears. Ah, laughter really is good therapy.

I suddenly have a craving for bubble gum

Well, it seems inevitable that I'm going to feel the need to write some kind of a movie review for each Marlon Brando flick I watch from here on out. My "reviews" might be a little Brando-centric...what can I say, it's an illness. The film du jour is Sayonara (1957).

Synopsis (from Wikipedia): It tells the story of an American Air Force flier who was a fighter "Ace" during the Korean War. The film's screenplay was adapted by Paul Osborn from the novel by James Michener, and the film was produced by William Goetz and directed by Joshua Logan. Unlike most 1950s romantic dramas, Sayonara deals squarely with racism and prejudice.

That's really all the plot you need to know. Ugh! This is my 2nd to least favorite Brando movie thus far (it beat Mutiny on the Bounty by the narrowest of margins). On the whole I did not care for it and I'm feeling very inarticulate about why at the moment. I think it's sheer laziness because the list of things I dislike would be so long and I'm feeling tired. I will say this, I found it to be extremely predictable. Those who know me well, know that coming from me that's a very bad sign. The point is, Sayonara made me feel a whole lot more clever and film savvy than I really am, clairvoyant even. But it has a 7.2/10 rating on imdb so maybe it's just me.

And you know what, with the exception of a few scenes, I wasn't even all that thrilled by Brando's performance. Shocking right? I mean it would be exceptional by normal standards, it was even nominated for an Academy Award, but it was only mediocre for the great Marlon Brando. He did have some really great moments. But I've noticed he always seems to have an undercurrent of anger running through him no matter what role he's playing, especially in scenes with women. Often times that is exactly what the role calls for, like with Stanley Kowalski and Valentine Xavier. This time he just came off a little too heavy-handed and intense at moments. It wasn't credible coming from the mostly laid-back, jovial personality he established early on in the film. It's serious subject matter, no doubt about it, but he has to find a way to reconcile the lighter and darker sides of the character without making him seem schizo. I wouldn't have any suggestions as to how one goes about doing that, I'm no expert, I'm just calling 'em as I see 'em.

Here are a few of the things I did like though. I enjoyed the performance of Red Buttons, it surprised me how genuine, straightforward, and touching it was. I didn't know the comedian could act like that. I also liked the playful, easy comradarie and banter between Marlon Brando and James Garner's characters. Yowza, Garner was handsome back then! I've always liked him because he seemed like a swell, midwestern guy, someone you'd like to sit down and have a beer with. He'd almost come off as "salt of the earth" if it weren't for his mischevious side that peeks out around the edges sometimes. Part of his charm I s'pose. He seems polar opposite of Brando, wonder if they got along in real life?

For the character of Major Lloyd Gruver (I could never see a man who looks like Brando with an idiotic name like that, but whatever.) it's almost as if Brando is channeling the personality of the yet unborn at the time Matthew McConaughey. He adopted an easy-going, genteel, cheerful manner with a lazy southern drawl, and just a touch of the trademark Brando brooding thrown in. But when he gives us a glimpse of that charming smile his eyes light up and it's all smile lines and dimples. *swoon*

In my favorite scene he's casually chewing on a piece of gum while holding a converstion with James Garner's character, and I'm not paying much attention to what he's saying because my eyes are drawn to his... mouth ... and the way he's... chewing that.... Snap out of it, Angela. Sorry, I'm re-watching that scene for the 5th time. I usually find it crude when people chomp on gum while talking - not this time. That man can make just about anything look sexy. His trademark full lips were a little moist and flushed and it looked as if he was smacking on the most sweet, delicious piece of Juicy Fruit ever made. I wanted to kiss him and steal it right out of his mouth with my... Uh-oh, was that tmi? It's just that I have a weakness for.. *a-hem* gum.

I'm not a very professional or impartial movie reviewer am I? Well it's a good thing I never claimed to be and no one ever reads this crap anyway. That's all I have to say for this clunker. Worth watching if you're a huge fan of Brando, Garner, or Buttons. Otherwise, take a pass.

Screen caps I made of the gum-chewing scene. *giggle*
Watch now, this is how a man reduces a grown woman to girlish delight.

See, you can just tell it's a good scene regardless of what he's saying.

P.S. I just remembered there were a couple of yummy gum chewing scenes in On The Waterfront too. How could I forget those?! Terry Malone is my favorite of his characters thus far and the movie is one of my top favorites. After Sayonara I'm dying to go back re-visit it.

What Elvis Taught Me

I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with my writing for a while now. It's been called banal and devoid of heart and wit, among other things. I didn't completely disagree, I knew something was amiss, but I just didn't exactly see what others saw. Then yesterday I watched Elvis Presley's Jailhouse Rock (1957). I know, I know, I can't help it, I have a strange affinity for cheesy Elvis flicks. Anyhow, in the movie Elvis goes into a studio and records a love song, hoping to shop it around and get a record deal. When he listens to the playback he says "Is that really how I sound?". He was disgusted and thought he sounded like everyone else on the radio. I was baffled because it sounded good to me. It was a very nice song, his voice sounded good, it was perfectly fine, nothing wrong with it. But he didn't like it and gave it another shot. This time the studio musicians jazzed it up a bit, added a little soul. And Elvis put his own form of down and dirty soul into the vocal, that signature Elvis sound so recognizable around the world. The difference between the two performances was like night and day and something clicked in my head. The first version was perfectly okay, but it was flat, lifeless, lacking soul, character, personality. That's how my poetry reads. Even I'm bored by my poetry. It sounds nice, it makes sense, it may even be emotionally stirring if you can relate to it, but it's stuffy and flat. Especially my earlier poems. My prose, on the other hand, is less boring. My blog entries may be boring in parts, but I almost always manage to infuse some wit, humor, and hopefully just a tad of my own style. Why can't I do that with my poetry? I'll have to mull it over some more. Huh. *scratching head* Like my grandpa always told me, you learn something new every day. But whoever thought I'd learn anything from Elvis?

I can't eat Oreos in the dark

I've never been cognizant of it up until now but apparently I have a strict, ritualistic way of eating Oreo cookies. Before I dunk the cookie into the milk I always hold it so that the word "Oreo" embossed onto the cookie is aligned perfectly parallel to the surface of the milk, right side up of course. Then I dunk the cookie exactly half way so the horizon of the milk makes a line bisecting the word "Oreo" with eyeball precision. Once I feel it's been properly soaked, I will bite off only the soggy bottom half. How I eat the top half of the cookie varies, but the ritual regarding the bottom is faithfully followed every time. This explains why I always seem to miss so much of the TV shows and movies I watch while eating Oreos - my attention is focused on the ritual.

This is how I discovered my strange habit: Tonight I happened to be watching a movie in the semi-dark. I was straining my eyes and moving the cookie around to find enough light to make out the word "Oreo" when the realization of what I was doing suddenly hit me. What the hell am I doing? Why am I straining in the dark to read a cookie, why can't I just dunk it and eat it like a normal person? When did this blog become about my neurotic idiosyncrasies? Anyway, I try dunking it like a normal human being, and I can do it but... it feels about as comfortable as walking into a department store without a purse on my shoulder. While wearing no pants.

This is odd.

Sure, I've noticed other quirky ritualistic behaviors before and have always known I had a wee touch of the OCD, but how did I not notice the Oreo thing before now? When did it start? I don't eat them all that often but I'm pretty sure it's been going on for years. Do I have rituals regarding other foods that I'm unaware of? Hmmm.

By the by, the movie I'm watching is The Fugitive Kind (1960) starring the gorgeous Marlon Brando (of course!). This is the third time I've seen the movie and believe it or not I don't just enjoy watching it because it's saturated with Brando's languid sensuality and quiet, brooding sex appeal. I'm quite surprised at how sexual the themes and dialogue are for that era. Women are shamelessly throwing themselves at Val Xavier (Brando) throughout the movie, competing for his affection, seeking in him a kind of sexual balm for their sadness and loneliness. These are some of the saucier lines in chronological order.

Carol: Please let me, let me... (she's trying to undress him)
Xavier: Who are you trying to fool besides yourself? (he wraps his hand tightly around her wrist) What is this, a human wrist with a bone? It feels like a twig, I could snap it with two fingers. Little girl, a man who'd hold himself against you would break you like a bundle of sticks.

Xavier: You know that girl that was here?
Lady: Uh-huh, Carol Cutrere... I know her.
Xavier: Well she told me she had something wrong with her car and could I fix it.
Lady: Did you fix it?
Xavier: That wasn't her trouble.
Lady: No. What was her trouble?
Xavier: Oh, she made a mistake about me.
Lady: What kind of mistake?
Xavier: She thought I had a sign hung on me "Male at Stud"
Lady: (she stutters and stammers, obviously flustered)

(Lady is cold so Xavier puts his jacket around her shoulders.)
Lady: It feels warm alright.
Xavier: It's probably warm from my body. (he seductively caresses his own chest)
Lady: You must be a warm-blooded boy. (warily she backs up to cushion the distance between them)

Xavier to Lady: (after boasting about how warm his body always is and how much self control he has over his body) They say that a woman can burn a man down, but I can burn a woman down.

(Xavier is waiting on two teenage girls helping them try on shoes)
Girl #1: Mr. Xavier, where have you been keeping yourself? You ought to show yourself around more.
Girl #2: (embarrassed giggles)
Girl #1: Oh shoot, Mr. Xavier understands, don't you Mr. Xavier? (She puts a foot between his legs and slides down to give him an up-skirt view)
Girl #2: (more giggles)
Xavier: Yeah, I understand. (he stands up and walks away)
(lots more giggles)

All that happens in the first 55 minutes and the dialogue gets racier from there. You almost expect it to build to an actual sex scene, but of course it only hints at it as Val kisses Lady's neck and then escorts her behind the curtain to his room and turns off the light.

When I say this film is saturated with Brando, I'm not exaggerating. He dominates the hell out of it with several close-ups during lengthy scenes and one seemingly endless soliloquy that could easily be cut in half, and seemingly an appearance in just about every frame. I for one enjoy the pacing though, it allows for a slow build. Seeing the relationships between the characters develop and mature from beginning to end is satisfying. However, the director Sidney Lumet seems to be so in love with Brando that I'm surprised he pointed the camera at the other actors at all. Or perhaps it was the editor who was mesmerized by his beautiful face and couldn't bring himself to cut it out of the film. But the most likely scenario, the producers wanted to get the most screen-time-bang (so to speak) for their buck. They had the most bankable actor in Hollywood and they were paying him an unprecedented $1 million dollars. I guess they were determined to get their money's worth and they did. Whatever the reason for Brando's extended screen time, I'm not complaining, nah-uhh, no way. *grin*

Besides all the hubba hubba Brando-rama there's much to like about this adaptation of Tennessee Williams's play Orpheus Descending. Although it's considered one of Williams's lesser works, I happen to like it immensely. Far more than the film version of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, which was the equivalent of Nails on a Squeaky Chalkboard to me. You couldn't pay me to watch it a second time - and that statement carries a lot of weight coming from a person who's unemployed and broke. That movie seemed to have everything going for it out the gate though, it was based on a solid play and had a great cast, but somehow the final product fell way short of it's potential. Did anyone else want to smack the crap out of those bratty ginger kids and their munchkin-faced harpy of a mother? Sorry, I've rambled way off topic, where was I? Oh yeah, I also found the performances in Fugitive spectacular. There are obvious flaws with the film that annoy me, but overall I still think it's a great movie and one I can watch and re-watch. I think it reaches me on some level I'm not even aware of. Maybe I can relate to the lonely outsider aspect or the fact that everyone wants to jump Brando's beefy bod, who knows. I can only give this film one star for Oreo-worthiness though. Because the sparse lighting that creates its dark, murky atmosphere also makes it quite difficult for the audience to read ..err.. I mean see their Oreos and other tasty snacks. So now if you ever go out and rent this flick you'll be prepared. What would you do without me? You're welcome.

P.S. I think Marlon Brando has sparked the return of my "writing phase", in which I can ramble on and on about anything and everything, because clearly this has become two posts in one. Double your pleasure, double your fun! You're welcome again.

P.P.S. If I weren't broke I'd offer $50 to anyone who e-mails me in proof they made it all the way to the bottom of this post. Ha! Sometimes you just gotta laugh at yourself.

A little philosophy, a little Brando...okay, a lotta Brando

In most cases the pain in one’s lifetime is in direct proportion to the pleasure. Life tends to seek equilibrium although sadly, sometimes there’s none to be found.

This is something I’ve always believed. My life certainly seems to follow a pattern of equally proportionate ups and downs. These thoughts and many more like them have come to the surface recently during my imaginary conversations with Marlon Brando. You may want to stop reading and call the loony bin at this point, I’d understand completely. For those brave enough to read on, I'll try to explain. When I read, I always read more than one book at a time in case one gets too tedious. I like variety. The two books I happen to be reading at the moment: The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger and Conversations with Marlon Brando by Lawrence Grobel. Any inkling where my imagination has taken me? Ah, it's true, a vivid imagination is better than any book!

I’ve actually been doing a lot of reading on Mr. Brando lately (in between time travel visits to the 1950's) and overall, I find him to be an absolutely fascinating human being. Forgive me if I speak of him as if he’s still alive, I’ve only just now discovered him and through the books, movies, and my own fantastical imagination it feels as if he’s still very much here. Surely a man of that magnitude couldn’t be mortal and die! And in some ways he isn’t and hasn't. In some ways the man he was will always live on, as evidenced by the fact that a woman has discovered him and delved in to learn as much about him as possible a full 6 years after his death. 100 years, 200 years from now it will still be happening.



Marlon Brando is an absolutely electrifying personality with an immense hunger for life. Infinitely mercurial, he seems to possess everything in vast quantities: talent, charisma, confidence, rebelliousness, passion, generosity, intelligence, curiosity, humor, courage, unintentional leadership, wit, compassion, charm, magnetism, sensuality, intensity, ego, pomposity, cruelty, perversion, insecurity, laziness, anger, indifference, eccentricity, gluttony... I could go on but you get the picture. To me his great many flaws are just as intriguing as his great many strengths. And the fact that he's blind to his sometimes absurd hypocrisy is what makes him real and frail and human to me. If he wasn't so ridiculously out of touch and lacking self-awareness at times I may be tempted to believe him a God.

I’m also intrigued by the way his mind works, flowing seamlessly from philosophy, to history, to human rights, to politics, to environmental issues, to trivial miscellany, and beyond. To attempt to marginalize him by classifying him as nothing more than an actor or spoiled Hollywood celebrity is a gross injustice. He’s a better-rounded individual than most, far more than a man with his magnitude of fame and fortune need be. His curiosity is boundless, he has a sharp mind with a memory for detail and he seems to be well-informed and have well-formed opinions on just about everything. A philanthropist and activist, he seems to live and breath for the causes he's passionate about.

I think for him acting comes as easily and naturally as breathing, although early on he did work hard and study hard to create his characters and memorize his lines, it's always been easier for him than most. To the middle-aged Brando acting can be a somewhat fun challenge if the role is different, unusual, and interesting enough, but it's primarily a lucrative hobby and a bore. It's a means to make a living, but by no means a passion. All the same, Marlon Brando is widely considered a genius in his field. His acting style dramatically and permanently changed the profession and he is often referred to as the greatest actor of all time. I think he would feel differently about his profession if he weren't so embittered and repulsed by the games played in Hollywood - the business of making money at any moral cost, the greedy capitalism of the studio moguls that managed to suck all the artistic lifeblood out of the profession, and the lower-life leeches infringing constantly on his private life. I believe that's how he saw it anyway, once he became disillusioned.

Unlike many entertainers, Brando doesn't require the limelight, awards, or adoration of fans to fill a void of self love, confidence, or who knows what. What insecurities he does have, instilled by his alcoholic, constantly disapproving and/or absent parents, he supplements with self-challenge to learn and master new things, endless romantic endeavors and sexual conquests, and yes, food. The man loves to eat. He strikes me as someone who truly doesn't care what others think of him because he manufactures his own esteem, his own happiness, and his own destiny, all in his own way. At other times, it seems as though deep down he cares too much. I think he was forced to believe in himself from a very early age because no one else did. In his adolescent quest to prove to himself and his parents that he wasn't a loser, he found he excelled at a great many things and created a nice confident swagger for himself. Later on, cracks appeared as he wavered between arrogance and self-doubt. Deep down he believed he was a fraud, an imposter. He resented and rebelled against authority as a youth and that never changed. He always had an impishness about him and never really grew up. His dysfunctional parents are mostly to blame for the stunted growth among other psychological problems. I think he is a deeply feeling and emotional person underneath his tough exterior of cool indifference. I think the indifference is mostly a self-defense mechanism. Something the hoardes of imitators of the "Brando cool" are clueless about. That's one reason he felt like such an imposter. I think he bores very easily. I think he genuinely enjoys his own company at times, endlessly amusing himself with his own little games, pranks, and competitions. At other times he needs someone there to fill the emptiness he feels inside, to entertain him, to lean on and to confide in about his deepest secrets and insecurities. Even so, I think he has a vast internal life most of the people surrounding him know nothing about. I think those private internal goings-on combined with his superior, smug expression of the cat who ate the canary, create an aura of mystery. It seems he knows something we do not, perhaps a secret joke, and we are dying to find out what it is. And even though I know it's just an illusion, a shiny lure, I still proceed wanting to find out what he knows. And that my friends, is the gravitational pull that draws people into his orbit.

I surmise that because of his need to prove himself and his compulsive need to be right, and perhaps just because he's bored and it amuses him, he may toy around a great deal with the minds and hearts of others. Surely the traits that make him such an amazing actor: the intrinsic charm, intelligence, and understanding of what makes people tick, must also provide him with a devastating talent for manipulation and seduction. I don't recall reading any specific stories but I can just imagine him using his powers to manipulate his co-stars, directors, or anyone else on set. For example, if someone is competitive and worried Marlon will steal the scenes he may say and do little things like mumble an insult under his breath just before they film a scene to throw that person off kilter. Or if his female lead is too awestruck by him to give a good performance I could see him being an asshole to her between takes in order to ground her and have that tension transferred into something magic on-screen. Likewise if a female lead didn't like him (which I find hard to imagine) I could see him turning on all his charm off-screen and winning her over, probably even bedding her, only to break her heart the minute filming stopped. But like I said, I haven't read any specific accounts, I'm just theorizing based on my impression of him. I imagine if you are in the sunshine of Marlon Brando's attention and affection it's as if you are the only person who exists for him and you are up in the clouds soaking in the rays. But once he lets go, it must be a cold, harsh, painful drop back down to earth.



And while he is, to quote Sidney Lumet, Director of The Fugitive Kind, “Just about the most beautiful thing God ever created.” it’s obvious to me that the majority of his beauty and sex appeal smolders from within. He erotically embodies the perfect balance of masculine and feminine, strength and vulnerability, heated passion and cool control. He oozes sex without even trying. He has a fluid sexuality and easily seduces scores of women and men. He has no shame, and in fact seems proud of his bisexuality and ability to have any man or woman he wants. His beauty rivals even the most lovely of women and he has a knack for making whoever he’s standing next to seem homely and insignificant. I swear I saw a photo of him with Grace Kelly, arguably the most radiantly beautiful woman ever to grace Hollywood, and in his presence she appeared a moth next to a butterfly. Even Marilyn Monroe's vivaciousness seems to pale when standing next to that gorgeous hunk of man. I've also noticed that because he has such a large and commanding presence he often seems much taller than his actual height of 5’10”. A few times I would've sworn he was a head taller than someone, and when I go back and find the photo I see he's actually the same height or even a couple inches shorter.



My thought at the beginning of this post was roused from a forgotten past by Brando. In fact I've seen a lot of similarities and parallels between him and myself, which is probably why I feel so drawn to him. I've had a lot of mood swings, ups and downs, and I recall when I was feeling the ecstatic high that I'd suddenly have a moment of dread, a pang in the knowledge that the deep gorge that lay on the other side would be just as intense. It seemed I'd always have to pay the price for that emotional high and I prayed to live somewhere in the middle as it seemed most people did. Brando too seemed to pay the price for all the highs, the pleasures, the gluttony, and in the end perhaps the neglect of his family too. In his later years he suffered pain and heartbreak on a scale that likely far surpassed any comeuppance he may have deserved. Life ain't fair. And it's a real shame, but I don't think he'd go back and change much if he could. He once said he thought guilt and regret were useless emotions. With all the tragedy befalling his family, I hope for his sake that he continued subscribing to that belief right up until the very end.

Marlon Brando Jr. died July 1, 2004 at the age of 80 from complications of pneumonia and other health problems. At the end he refused life saving measures as he felt it was time to go and wanted to leave on his own terms. At his request his family scattered his ashes mingled with those of Wally Cox, a close childhood friend, over Death Valley and Tahiti. Marlon and Wally were very close throughout their lives and Marlon was devastated by Wally's sudden death in 1973. He secretly kept his ashes hidden in his closet, and had often talked to them over the years. No one knows for sure, but it seems obvious to me that Wally was the love of Marlon's life. He was once quoted as saying "If Wally Cox had been a woman I would have married him and we would have lived happily ever after." It seems the world-renowned "bad boy" lothario believed in true love after all. Not a surprising revelation from this sensitive and complicated man. He lived and died by his own rules, setting precedents, blazing trails, and leaving an indelible legacy on the world he so desperately wanted to change for the better.

It occurs to me now that in this post I frequently compared him to the sun or described him as having characteristics of the sun. It was an unintentional recurring theme but testimony to the fact that he truly was a luminescent human being, generating and radiating from within his own light and heat for the whole world to bask in. There are more things I could say about Marlon Brando, but it’s probably nothing that hasn’t already been said. The beauty of his effect on me personally is that he has somehow awoken me. He’s awoken my passion for life, and..um..other things, and reading his profound words has stimulated my practically comatose mind back into intelligent thought. To steal a line from Stephanie Meyer's The Twilight Saga, I guess he's become "my own personal sun" at the moment. If he can do all this after death, just imagine the power he had in life. It’s no wonder few could ever resist him.








Even the kitty-cat can't resist his seductive charms :)


Okay, okay I'll stop bombarding you with all the Brando-licious beauty now. By the by, I own no rights to these photos and have shamelessly scavenged them and hundreds more like them from the internet. So if you're ever in need of a Brando fix, I can hook ya up ;)